The Great Rwanda Biscuit Challenge of 2012
By Matthew Beamer
There we were, face-to-face with a pile of thirty-five different ijana biscuits. They represented all that Rwanda has to offer in the way of cheap snacks for bus riders and babies, and Mackenzie and I were determined to find out which one is the best, kill us though it may. This was the Great Rwandan Biscuit Challenge of 2012.
Lined up, freed from the confines of the various Ziploc and paper bags we had used to imprison them after their collection from all corners of the country, they appeared an imposing force. We had on our stretchy pants, were seated comfortably on a foam mattress, and had milk at the ready to wash down the biscuits. Both of us had had experience with biscuits, choosing them as the go-to food when feeling ill or slightly peckish, but neither of us was prepared for the battle that lay ahead.
We began the challenge, which involved tasting two kinds of biscuits and choosing one among them to continue in an NCAA-tournament fashion. We flew through the first rounds, devouring biscuits with gusto and laughing as we decided the fate of the biscuits we tried, advancing some to the next round and a chance at fame and fortune and delegating others to biscuit ignominy. There are several biscuits that were so utterly terrible that they deserve special mention for the injuries they inflicted on our taste buds. They tasted, as Kenzie so elegantly put it, “like they had been squeezed in the sweaty palm of a child” before being packaged and sold as something that was supposedly delicious. These offenders, which should almost certainly never be purchased except as a gift for the most dastardly of enemies were Azam Bikuti na Chai and TB’s Chai Biscuits.
Luckily the milk, and biscuits like the graham cracker-esque Amulya Milk Glucose and Nutter Butter-like Milk: Power Plus Energy Bites, cushioned such harsh blows and we battled on. After the second round of tastings, some 56 biscuits in, we were starting to feel the effects of the fight. Our stomachs began to cramp, a soporific stupor began to overtake us, and we questioned whether or not we could continue. We were discovering that while one or two packets of biscuits is a very reasonable thing to eat, the otherwise so elegantly-designed human body was not meant to consume 35 packets of them. But, continue we must, and continue we did, forging on and continuing the challenge.
Trading blow for blow, we slogged our way through more biscuits, eliminating the losers of each round until we had our Final Four: Vitamilk, Nice, Amulya Rich Milk, and Cremica Glucose. This is where the real challenge began. These four biscuits represented the best that Rwanda has to offer and we had to choose one among them to be crowned champion. Our bodies had suffered many blows, absorbing each successive biscuit with more and more difficulty until we were like saturated sponges trying to absorb more water. And yet, we had to have more; we had to find the winner.
In the first semifinal, Vitamilk edged out the ever-popular (and rightly so) Nice Biscuits. In the other semifinal, Cremica Glucose was chosen over Amulya Rich Milk for their texture and overall flavor.
In the end, we emerged victorious, having found the best ijana biscuits in Rwanda: Vitamilk, which are crunchy, reasonably thick, and tinged with a hint of vanilla that made the biscuits melt in our mouths. We slumped down onto the flimsy mattress, sweating sugar and holding our aching stomachs. We may have won the battle, but we would pay dearly for the victory.
Lined up, freed from the confines of the various Ziploc and paper bags we had used to imprison them after their collection from all corners of the country, they appeared an imposing force. We had on our stretchy pants, were seated comfortably on a foam mattress, and had milk at the ready to wash down the biscuits. Both of us had had experience with biscuits, choosing them as the go-to food when feeling ill or slightly peckish, but neither of us was prepared for the battle that lay ahead.
We began the challenge, which involved tasting two kinds of biscuits and choosing one among them to continue in an NCAA-tournament fashion. We flew through the first rounds, devouring biscuits with gusto and laughing as we decided the fate of the biscuits we tried, advancing some to the next round and a chance at fame and fortune and delegating others to biscuit ignominy. There are several biscuits that were so utterly terrible that they deserve special mention for the injuries they inflicted on our taste buds. They tasted, as Kenzie so elegantly put it, “like they had been squeezed in the sweaty palm of a child” before being packaged and sold as something that was supposedly delicious. These offenders, which should almost certainly never be purchased except as a gift for the most dastardly of enemies were Azam Bikuti na Chai and TB’s Chai Biscuits.
Luckily the milk, and biscuits like the graham cracker-esque Amulya Milk Glucose and Nutter Butter-like Milk: Power Plus Energy Bites, cushioned such harsh blows and we battled on. After the second round of tastings, some 56 biscuits in, we were starting to feel the effects of the fight. Our stomachs began to cramp, a soporific stupor began to overtake us, and we questioned whether or not we could continue. We were discovering that while one or two packets of biscuits is a very reasonable thing to eat, the otherwise so elegantly-designed human body was not meant to consume 35 packets of them. But, continue we must, and continue we did, forging on and continuing the challenge.
Trading blow for blow, we slogged our way through more biscuits, eliminating the losers of each round until we had our Final Four: Vitamilk, Nice, Amulya Rich Milk, and Cremica Glucose. This is where the real challenge began. These four biscuits represented the best that Rwanda has to offer and we had to choose one among them to be crowned champion. Our bodies had suffered many blows, absorbing each successive biscuit with more and more difficulty until we were like saturated sponges trying to absorb more water. And yet, we had to have more; we had to find the winner.
In the first semifinal, Vitamilk edged out the ever-popular (and rightly so) Nice Biscuits. In the other semifinal, Cremica Glucose was chosen over Amulya Rich Milk for their texture and overall flavor.
In the end, we emerged victorious, having found the best ijana biscuits in Rwanda: Vitamilk, which are crunchy, reasonably thick, and tinged with a hint of vanilla that made the biscuits melt in our mouths. We slumped down onto the flimsy mattress, sweating sugar and holding our aching stomachs. We may have won the battle, but we would pay dearly for the victory.